I spent the weekend at a marriage retreat my husband had for couples in his unit. It was a great time of reflecting upon marriage, on the uniqueness of military marriages, of laughing, and of forming new friendships.
We all enter marriage with an image of what makes a relationship “perfect”.
I soon learned that my image of perfection in marriage was flawed.
This is an image that many others have and I am convinced that it is more than just flawed, it is completely and totally wrong.
I thought that having a good relationship, a “perfect” marriage, meant that it would be free of conflict. There would be no fights. No stress. No raised voices. No misunderstandings.
Hearing others bragging about “never having a fight” with their partner fueled this misunderstanding of mine.
When we were newlyweds and my husband and I had underlying stresses or conflicts building in our relationship, I thought my responsibility was to hide my frustrations.
To cover them up.
To ignore them.
This was the worse possible way to handle things.
Because conflict does happen.
Two people living together are bound to have disagreements.
They’re going to have different ways of doing things.
There are going to be misunderstandings and even hurt feelings.
Life together is going to get stressful.
These things don’t go away by avoiding or ignoring them.
When this happened early on in our marriage, it scared me. I thought we were doing something wrong. That I was doing something wrong. That we were doomed, maybe even for failure.
Through nine years of marriage, numerous moves and job changes, three babies, two deployments, and many other ups and downs I have learned one very important lesson.
It’s okay to fight….the secret is to fight well.
Yes, fight well.
Keith and I have fights, we disagree, we get stressed, tired, hurt, and angry. We have not learned a secret to avoid any of these things.
But we have learned to fight well.
And you can too by acknowledging your feelings, misunderstandings, conflicts, and disagreements rather than ignoring them.
By communicating.
By listening.
By forgiving.
By making up.
And by loving through it all.
Note: This post is being included in Real Life’s Your Life, Your Blog
Liz@HoosierHomemade says
Great post! Sure makes you think about things 🙂
~Liz
.-= Liz@HoosierHomemade´s last blog ..Breakfast Prep =-.
Amy Green (Simply Sugar & Gluten-Free) says
Joe and I don’t scream and yell – we never started that viscous cycle thank goodness! We disagree and our feelings get hurt but the biggest key to the peace in our home is allowing each other to feel exactly how we feel. We don’t try to change each other or fix each other. We accept each other and circumstances how they are and look for a solution. It works.
Suzanne says
So very true. We always talk with premarital couples about the fact that they ARE going to have conflict – if they don’t, then they aren’t being 100% honest. The key is in how they deal w/ it!
Thanks for the encouragement!
.-= Suzanne´s last blog ..‘Twas the Night Before School Started =-.
Erin @ Closing Time says
This is so true! Thanks for this great reminder!
.-= Erin @ Closing Time´s last blog ..A New Week =-.
LifeAtTheCircus says
Very true. And what a good post. Glad you had such a great retreat!!
.-= LifeAtTheCircus´s last blog ..A Misunderstood Cow =-.
Angelita says
That’s so nice realization of yours. I remember my Mom told me before I get married, we lived in different environment, different way of living and everything, there are so many things to learn and to adjust. Like for my sister and I, we grow together, with same environment, same way of living, same parents, but there are still times that we argue and some misunderstandings, how much more for a stranger that you will be companioning for the rest of your life and knowing him for the rest of your life. The key is to have an open communication, talk, listen, realized, forgive and love. I’m happy for you Monica
Jordan says
It’s okay to fight in a marriage…GASP! A wonderful realization, isn’t it? I think that it just sets you up for more frustration and anger if you expect to never disagree. You share the same home, not the same brain! Great post!
Pat says
I tell people that we both were babies of the family and wanted to always get our way. Our first year we fought like cats and dogs! But once he learned to give me my way, the next 26 years have been wonderful! LOL No, seriously, the most important thing we have learned was to compromise. I have to always stop and think about my actions and whether I am trying to get in a power struggle to get my own way or if I really want what I’m fighting for. Usually it is the power struggle and then I back off. We have learned that giving in during these times has helped our marriage grow stronger. We both do things for each other that we really don’t want to do but because we love each other. I have gone to Nascar races with my harlequin romance books to read but we are together which is important to us. He has gone to my teacher conferences, smiled, listened to all the teacher stories without complaining. (He is more of an introvert so this is really difficult for him but he does it because it is important to me.) Communication with each other has been the most important part of our marriage. We talk all the time about everything including why our marriage works. Glad you had a great weekend.
Amber says
So true. It took us a long time to learn that lesson…and the process almost destroyed our marriage. We’ve been much healthier and happier since we learned not to cover things up. Thanks for the reminder.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..A Virtual Temper Tantrum. =-.